I have lost sleep this week. Yes, the devilishly diva daughter has been the cause of some of my insomnia, but last night as the house remained quiet, my husband snoring gently beside me, I was awake. I was awake fretting. It is something I am good at; over thinking, worrying, analysing, and as is familiar at this time of year, Christmas has become the culprit. No, I am not agonising over money, although I could be, more family issues.
This weekend the phone calls started coming in. What were our plans, can we send out dates for when we can meet up, who is doing Christmas where? Since having children we stick to our guns of being at home for Christmas Eve/Day. Whilst they are little and really 'into' it it's where we want to be. Not only that but it makes things easier too, with both sets of parents divorced, twice divorced on my side, there is a lot of people to see. If they want to see us on Christmas Day, they have to come to us. It avoids 'but you went to hers/his last year you have to come to ours this year'. On the whole it works ok. However, there are the people we don't see on Christmas Day, be it because they couldn't travel, or didn't want to be with someone here, or had other obligations. These are the people we need to fit in elsewhere. We are only in October yet I can see our entire festive time off evaporating into long car journeys and traffic jams on major roads.
I began doing my own phoning around, probably antagonising further family members. Trying to organise everyone is like a military operation, knowing I need to fit in parents as a priority, sadly realising some friends won't be seen until January. But then came comments I wasn't quite expecting. 'Oh don't worry about us, I'm sure we will get around to it at some point.' It wasn't the demands for our time that kept me awake so much as those that really weren't overly worried about seeing us at all. Were they just brushing it off as they thought it would be one less thing for me to worry about, or did they really not want to see us? See what I mean about over analysing!?!? I am a disaster zone.
Yesterday we said goodbye to a beloved family pet. Last month a friend said goodbye to her mum. Two years ago we said goodbye to one grandpa, and eight years ago we said goodbye to the other. No matter how long has passed since we said farewell to a loved one they are always in our thoughts. Not a day goes past where I don't think 'I wish we had more time' more time to chat, to ask the questions I never Got around to, to simply have one last hug.
As the holiday season begins to taunt us, as we begin dreading the never ending visits, or family dramas (and let's face it I'm sure we have all been there at some point) let us take a moment to appreciate that at least we still have time together. Sure, it may be time where we bicker, fight or fill with forced jollity, but it is still time. I decided, during my insomnia, that I will attempt to not stress over the demands our families make, because one day their demands won't be there. Likewise to those that brush over our plans and seem unconcerned, they will equally have our time thrust upon them, because I know I will only regret it one day if we don't. I would rather embrace what we have now, no matter how stressful some days may be, than spend a life time wishing we could have had one more day.