I am THE Ninja

Setting the scene- two small children play fighting in the living room. Me, in the kitchen, trying to be cool and give them independence whilst secretly praying for no cracked heads and concussions. Eldest, S, age six, yelling at the top of her voice,

'I am the Ninja, best Ninja in the land, I will beat you.' 

Little O, aged 2, responds,

'No I NINJA!! You die, hiyaaaaaa.'  

'I'm the best,' 

'No, I'm the best.' 

Ladies, sorry to disappoint, but I'm the God Damn Ninja in this house, you better believe it.  Of course, I realise I have yet to become a master of Chi, I expect to reach that stage by the time my wild child has successfully made it to eighteen (only sixteen years to go), but as Ninjas go... I’m pretty hot. 

Ninja skills achieved- 


Removing a nipple from a passed out, sleep drunk, infant’s mouth without getting bitten. Then lying said baby down in crib without waking them ✔️

Pretending to be asleep to get troublesome toddler to believe it is bedtime, lying there for an hour and a half without falling asleep myself then sneaking out without waking them ✔️ 

Preempting and catching vomit from across a crowded room ✔️

Disguising myself as a fully functioning member of the human race when I haven’t slept since 2010. ✔️

Cooking a nutritious, well balanced meal while a screaming banshee hangs onto my right leg demanding snacks. ✔️

Juggling homework, reading, ballet, trampolining, recorder practice, playgroups, computer club, swimming, forest School, lunch boxes,  school play rehearsals every week without losing my shit. ✔️



Putting on clean clothes each morning✔️ 

Getting my kid to school on time (and in correct uniform) ✔️ 

Managing to not make a sound when standing on Lego as child sleeps in same room (pretty sure this hurts more than labour) ✔️

Cooking/walking to school/ cleaning house whilst a tiny baby is strapped to me, breastfeeding, at same time.✔️  

Performing unique martial arts type moves when going to check on sleeping child and realising I have to mountaineer over the stair gate to do so (opening it will guarantee waking infant) ✔️

Keeping eyes 100% focused on child in Nativity play whilst simultaneously stuffing snacks in toddler’s mouth to keep them quiet as they punch me in face. ✔️

Managing not to crack under the pressure of sixteen hour long car journey with the Peppa Pig CD on repeat and never ending games of eye spy.  ✔️


Simply getting out of bed when I have been up hourly feeding/mopping up sick/rocking small child ✔️ 

Surviving recorder/violin practice each week without throwing myself out of the window ✔️ 

Keeping a straight face while speaking to a waitress in a fancy restaurant as grinning baby on lap does an epic exploding poo all up my silk shirt as I conveniently place large menu in way to prevent anyone seeing.✔️ 

- Managing to not eat all the Halloween candy/Easter eggs/ Christmas chocolate when children are sleeping.  ✔️

-Getting through a family meal out without a single I Pad in sight.  ✔️

-Dressing a toddler (enough said)  ✔️

-Getting through the day as a parent ✔️ 


So I realise we have some fairly monumental challenges to come.

- Retaining a straight/ non red face while explaining sex to my children

- Not killing myself when I find out that my children are actually sexually active. 

- Pretending I am entirely cool with them locking themselves in their bedroom with prospective boy/girl friend.  

- Making it through the teenage years with minimal drink/drug usage (and that’s just me!?!?)  

Let’s face it mums and dads, every day that we get up and successfully parent the shit out of that day, we are winning. Our kids can pretend they are ninjas all day long but as we tuck them up, having survived another day we can pat ourselves on the back and remind ourselves that we are the ninja masters.