What the hell is this? There I was minding my business, snug, warm, when a bloody great light emerges and I'm forced out of my cosy home and into the cold? I'm not up for all that. If I can't be in my safe place then I'm going to curl up right now and sleep my way back to it. No, stop prodding me, leave me be. Slllleeeeeeppppppppppp.
Seriously, she keeps waking me up and prodding this great pointy thing at me, sure it tastes good, but I really can't be arsed, it's all too much.
Again? Leave me alone woman.
Now she wants me to sleep? I don't get it! Waking me up every few hours with that thing she calls 'booby' and now I'm hooked on it she is begging me to sleep? Sod that, it tastes so good, give me more lady. No don't put me down, I know I dozed off, trust me it was a momentary lapse of judgement, give it back.
Didn't mean to doze off again, I got cosy, I'm sorry. Why are you crying?
Well you cried all over me, I'm wet lady, of course I'm wide awake now, want to play? Look, I'm a baby, I don't know what 'it's four o'clock in the morning' actually means, but I do like that 'peek a boo' thing you do, go on....
Ohh look it’s morning, get up, I want more booby!! I did some sleeping, stop telling me it’s not time to get up, you can't fool me, the birds are singing, and it's getting light, clearly morning! Why are you crying again?
She is trying to pretend it's night time again. The curtains were drawn at dinner time. Her and Daddy keep creeping around whispering to each other. I can still hear the kids next door playing. Why are they pretending to sleep? I'm not tired, listen to me people!!!
Oh good, they picked me up! Peek a boo???
Why won't they pick me up? I have tried all my usual tricks. She said something about 'sleep training' and 'can't cope' and left the room. He is in charge now apparently. Keeps walking in and ‘shh’ ing me then leaving again. I don't want ‘shh’ ing. I want more booby, pick me up people.
Ohh, I know!
Hang on, just need to push a bit, wait for it……………. ahhhhhhhhh
Oh there we go, he smells it. Why are they discussing it?!? I stink! Wow, no I really do, Jesus mum what is in that booby???! Ahh yes, well done Mum, that worked, picking me up now. What do you think? Earned myself some booby now? Thank God you came in, I thought he was just going to leave me in that stink. I know it was bad right? Why aren't you talking to me? Wait don't put me down again, I want booby! ARrrgghhhhhhmmmmmmgrrrrrrhmmmm Ok no more poop. This is going to take some thinking. Ohh, hang on, I think there is a bit of milk back there, oh yeah, here we go.... 'Burp!' bllluuurrrggghhhhh.
Oh yeah, he's seen it, come on then chump, get it off, I'm not sleeping in this. Don't even think about it, would you want to sleep in puke? Nope, didn't think so! Oh yeah, there's mum again, oh she's cuddling me... hmmm, that feels good! Booby? Yessssssss! Score!!!
Shh Dad, yeah, listen to mum, never again! Who cares what the book says... pipe down...
Well, it's not ideal, I mean I have to share her with him, and he snores, but it's lovely and warm in here. Every now and then she gets ideas about putting me into that 'crib' it's cold in that crib. In just a sleeping bag. Why would I want to be in that flimsy bit of material when they have Egyptian cotton. It feels so good. Anyway, she keeps kicking him out, says she thinks he might squash me, works for me. He doesn't seem happy about it. Said something about not getting ‘laid’ in weeks. After that he was out for a week. He's back in again now, wonder if he can bring up that 'getting laid' thing again?' I can't help smiling, i'm not sure what I am meant to be 'doing on purpose?' but she sleeps in that flimsy nightdress so there is constant booby action, whenever I want it, even if she is asleep, of course I'm happy!
I feel all funny, my tummy hurts, and I'm all hot. No thanks mum, I don't fancy booby today, I just want sleep. What, why are you waking me up again? I told you, no thanks. They are both staring at me, and prodding me with some stick. She keeps saying 'it's high.' Seriously.... you want me to get up now?!?!
One! They kept saying one and then I said one and now they are saying I'm a child genius.... then they stuffed me full of cake. I've never had cake before... I mean booby was good but cake!?! How could you keep it from me for so long! And it makes me feel all whizzy… like I want to run up and down my cot... yeah that sounds like fun... up this way, ohh that corner looks good, lets run back down that way.... no... this way.... I love cake woooohooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!
Summer! Summer is good! Sea, sand, sun!!!! But why am I sleeping in this funny cot? They don't have to sleep in a funny cot. I saw their bed, it was huge, with views of the sunshine, and they expect me to sleep in this thing? There are no toys in here. Where are all my toys? This isn’t my room. Where is my room? Seriously this funny cot is so uncomfortable... there is a great big bar in my back. Oh now she is climbing in is she? How is that going to help? She is ‘shhhh’ ing me again. Do they not realise how much I hate that. How long have I been in here? It's getting dark now. Mum is quiet. Oh wait she is asleep. Mum, you haven't exactly left me with much room, it's not five star luxury is it? Ohh wait I know where is though, I'll call for Daddy, 'Daaaaddddeeeeeee' oh hi, there you are, Yeah I know, look at her, she is taking up all the room. Take me to your bed ehh?
Oh thank God, my own room, and my own bed. A proper mattress. Oh yes that’s comfy... yeaaah..... zzzzzzzzzz
They passed me around all last night like a cold. Urgh, all those grandparents kissing me and hugging me... gross. I am not leaving my bed this morning, not unless all those relatives have gone. Its dark, warm, why would I want to leave? Wait, what? What do they want now!? What do you mean it's Christmas morning? I couldn't care less, I want sleep. What's with all the excitement? Go away. Look I'll cry! Oh God its all those old people again, in my room, get out all of you, Now I really am going to cry!
Ok, Sleep's not so bad, I get it, but what is with their obsession for this thing called ‘lie ins’? What the hell is a ‘lie in’ anyway? All I know is that it's light and I am hungry. Little O wants he Little O's! See what I did there? Mummy's telling Daddy it's his turn. He doesn't look so sure. I don't know whose turn it is but if they don't get their lazy bums out of bed I'm going to throw a hissy fit... one...two.... oh yeah, that did it, up you get Mister!!
I'm ill, I'm so ill, I just want my mummy. Take me to your bed, please. Yes I will kick you, yes I may throw up on you, but I just want you.
Woohoo, I feel great and people keep giving me presents! But man am I tired. Maybe it's all these new toys. Yeah I am tired. Bedtime please! Zzzzzz Ohh Mummy is waking me up with loads of kisses. Saying it's the best Christmas present ever, ‘a lie in’, there is that word again. Hmm still don't really know what that is but given the enormous cooked breakfast and all the kisses, I hope I can give her another!
Well she kept going on about it being New Years Eve. She told everyone how I sleep through the night now and she is going to make the most of it by getting tiddly as she wouldn’t have to get up until eight. She certainly made a lot of fuss, of course I was going to wake up at midnight to see what the noise was about. And then at one, because last time she came in all wobbly and that was funny, I wanted to see it again. And at two because I'm pretty sure last time I got up I saw cake. And at four because it must be morning now right? And at five because it definitely is morning and I want my porridge.
Hey I kind of like getting up all night. It reminded me of the good old days... remember that Mum? Where we would get to spend all night just you and me? You guys were talking about New Years Resolutions. Think that should be mine, getting up lots in the night and enjoying plenty of one to one time with my parents? Happy New year! Think of it as my gift to you!
(we are going through a major sleep regression, can you tell!?! She is almost three?!? Send Help! And chocolate!)