My Funny Valentine

Dear Valentine,

How wonderful it was to be woken by your passionate kiss on this chilly, mid February day. At least, I think it was a kiss. Granted there was an awful lot of snot accompanying said moment and one might argue that puts a dampener on a romantic gesture, but we shall gloss over that.

I planned an intimate breakfast for the two of us, in bed would have been nice but your insistence of a five AM wake up call can never be ignored. Always a stickler for routine you funny thing. I served you  poached eggs with salmon and a generous helping of hollandaise accompanied by a cold glass of milk in your favourite Peter Rabbit mug. You took the milk gratefully. Shame you said the meal itself tasted like ‘a big pile of poo poo’. I guess it is something I need to work on.

Following the semi - disastrous breakfast (I am still finding egg in my hair hours later- what an aim!) I opted to let you chose the location for our romantic getaway. So many places to choose from, I envisaged spa days and fancy restaurants as I perfected my eye liner in the bathroom cabinet. I have to be honest, the park wasn’t quite what I had in mind, especially as the heavens opened as we arrived and my Boden pointed flats (worn for the occasion) became caked in mud within seconds. Still you had said you prepared a picnic and it is always nice to have a spot of fresh air.

The picnic was... interesting. Who knew mini cheddars went so well with sat on raisins, aged to perfection under the seat of the buggy. Well, of course, I had to take your word for it as you didn’t fancy sharing, in the end.

Once we were home and dry I was able to prepare myself a light lunch while you popped upstairs ‘to do something.’ You were amazingly quiet, I had wondered if this was to be the Valentines surprise I had hoped for. Just as I was sitting down with a hot drink you called, saying you ‘had a little something for me.’ I raced upstairs, full of excitement.

Now I know you didn’t mean to do it, and I know you are still learning about these things. But my surprise was actually more of a ‘shock’. Well done for making it to the toilet on time, and for dealing with it all on your own, but perhaps you should have called me to help out a little? The wall can be useful for lots of things, but perhaps not wiping poo on when you accidentally get some on your hand... that is generally what we use hot soapy water for. They say it’s the thought that counts, and you were at least thoughtful enough to work the poo into the shape of a flower. Maybe next time I could have something a little better smelling, like real flowers?

After the ‘poo incident’ (which we won’t be mentioning again) you seemed a little upset, understandably after an accident, so I suggested a nap. I hadn’t meant to offend you, it seemed logical to me, a nap always makes me feel better. However, it seems I really hurt your feelings, you launched into a forty two minute screaming session. It was remarkable how the word ‘chocolate’ snapped you out of it when I was beginning to lose the will to live. I fancied some too so we popped to the shops.

When I said chocolate I envisaged a small Freddo or Fudge bar, but then you spotted the ‘Valentines Mega Box’ on display and insisted we had it. Well I guess we all like a Valentines treat.

I hadn’t planned on allowing you to eat the whole box. I put it aside while I made dinner and honestly thought I could trust you to leave me some, apparently not. You then complained of a tummy ache. I am sorry I forced you to sit at the table despite your reluctance, but I had gone to so much effort with dinner. I had even lit a couple of candles, creating the perfect Valentines mood. The candles may have been a bad idea, as you projectile vomited up the entire box of chocolates I managed to knock one over in panic whilst attempting to save the Persian rug. The pretty Valentines napkins went up like matches and we had to call the fire brigade. Oh the embarrassment as the hunky firemen strode in to a scene from the exorcist, us both covered in brown vomit with a dining table in flames. Probably a good thing, if sick wasn’t dripping from my hair I may have tried to flirt, and that only makes you jealous.

I decided to give up on Valentines Day, got us both in the bath and went to tuck you into bed. After all we always say it is just commercial rubbish. But as I smoothed your pillow you took my face in you tiny hands and pulled me in close. ‘I love you Mama,’ you said and then kissed me on the nose. As I closed you bedroom door the warmth filtered to my toes. You can leave the hearts and flowers, you just made my Valentines whole.


I love you too my funny little Valentine.