Ultimate Insults

It's pretty difficult to be a human in this insta-perfect world. We are all guilty of it; having a crap day, kids killing each other, bickering with hubby, but suddenly the sun comes out, everyone smiles for all of two seconds and that is the photo you share with the world (leading everyone else to wonder why their life isn't quite so perfect). Body image is by far our most sensitive area. Deep down we know that there is no such thing as the perfect body yet social media, glossy magazines and billboards are all full of them, sure, all heavily photoshopped, but it makes us pinch our inch, gawp at our enlarged pores and balk when we catch a glimpse of our cellulite in the full length gym mirror. So we become determined to try and reach the unreachable, to get rid of our wrinkles, to have size zero bodies, to have the perfect breasts (not ravaged by milk thirsty infants). We go to the exercise classes, we see some results, we begin to wonder if we keep working at it maybe we can improve ourselves just a little more, then someone, somewhere, decides it is time for a wake up call, they send us...


Face it people, it is time to realise that 1- you will NEVER have, what the media labels as, a perfect body, and 2- you will never be able to appreciate the body you do have with a toddler (pre schooler, schooler, tween, teen, post pubescent parasite) around the house. Since having my two perfect daughters, the people I love more than anything in the world, the ones I want respect from, the 'accidental' insults have been coming thick and fast. After a particularly heavy week of put downs I wanted to share a collection of some of my favourites.

- 'Congratulations Mummy, look at your tummy! Is it my baby brother or sister?'

- 'You look like a princess in that outfit Mummy, you know Cinderella, before she meets the prince, when she is sweeping the floor.'

- 'I love Grandma, and you are lucky Mummy, just a few more wrinkles and you will look like her too.' 

- 'I really want you to sit next to me mummy, but I just don't think your big bottom is going to fit on this bench.'

- 'Let me get you your glasses so your old, tired, eyes can see my beautiful, cute face.'

- (when answering the question 'do I look ok?') 'Yeah, you look nice, if you ignore the bags under your eyes, which, let's face it, you will never be able to do anything about.'

- 'You look like a teenager' 'Wow thank you,' 'You know one of those really spotty ones on the adverts for face wash.'

- 'Your toes look like those little cocktail sausages we eat at parties mummy.'

- Watching a program on WW2, 'is that around the time you were born Mummy?' 

- At the Panto set in the sixties, 'I LOVE that dress Mum, did you used to wear one like that when you were a teenager in the sixties?' 

- (whilst wearing new top I feel very good in) 'I saw a lady wearing the same top as you mum!' 'Oh yes?' 'Yeah, she was in the old person's home.' 

- 'For Mother's day I'm going to get you some Oral B whitening toothpaste and a pot of Vanish Gold' (Seriously, what are you trying to say?!?)

So there you have it, I am dying to know if it is just my kids that are little s!*ts or do you get off just as lightly (or not so lightly) as me? I am off to enjoy the end of my evening before the torment starts again in the morning (after I have done half an hour of abs work that is to make sure I don't get the pregnant one again!!!) Help!