Diary Of a Threenager: The Hike

Holiday, Day 16.


The parentals have resorted to a nature trail. I feel this is probably due to the fact they have spent a tonne of money on fancy meals and days out and yet keep complaining about me and S 'continually arguing'. Well, we are siblings, what do they expect. So, if they can't stop whining at us it must be better to do it away from other human beings who have to listen to it. 

We were packed into the car, mummy throwing things into a backpack and Daddy laughing at her for being paranoid, bandages, waspeze, 'enough snacks to feed a small army', his words, not mine. It didn't look enough snacks to feed me for one afternoon, but then Daddy is usually at work, I suppose he doesn't get just how many snacks I need. Once loaded into the car we set off into the middle of nowhere. I know that expression is used a lot, Mum always uses it when she has to take me to a party in the Cotswolds and gets lost, but this really IS the middle of nowhere, there aren't even proper roads. We were bounced around for a good forty minutes. I, of course, insisted on playing eye spy, Mummy, of course, insisted on stopping round every bend to take ANOTHER scenic photograph. Well we have arrived now, I'm just waiting for S to sort herself out with her crutches (which she still insists on carrying with her even though her leg MUST be healed by now, clearly just to beat me when THEY are not looking). Ahh ok... time to hike. 


So surely the idea of a nature trail is to LOOK AT NATURE? We moved away from the car and along a dirt track which seems to wind its way through dense forest, so I started looking at nature, as they told me to. I found an acorn, and another, then another and about five more. I like acorns. Mum is now telling me I must move away from my acorns as she can still see the car and looking at nature so close to our vehicle isn't what she had in mind. I don't understand.


I found twenty more acorns!!!!! Wooohoooooo


I fell over. Apparently trying to carry all those acorns in the hem of your dress is never going to work so I tripped on a root and hurt my knee. It's bleeding, but Mummy doesn't have plasters, she has everything needed if one of us break our leg again (obviously) but not a humble plaster in sight. I'm crying. Daddy is rolling his eyes and trying to wipe me up with my 'emergency pants', what if I pee my pants after this? 


More acorns


More acorns


I fell over again. Daddy is just walking on. I know you can’t see any blood this time but if we sit here for a few minutes I'm really sure I could squeeze a few drops out.


Ok, maybe not. 


We have stopped for a snack, Mummy told us that 'you don't need snacks we are still only 100 meters from the car.' 100 meters sounds like loads, definitely earned a snack, Daddy obviously thought so too, he threw us some Madelines, love holidays, if we were at home it would have been an apple. He is now checking the football score.


Apparently, there is no signal for checking the football in the wilderness, Daddy seems in a bad mood now. 


So, we are walking on. I have found a big patch of berries, the types only intended for birds and would make me very sick if I ate them, doesn't stop me squishing them with my brand-new trainers. 


White trainers are now pink, result!!!


Too busy looking at lovely pink trainers, fell over again. Daddy now talking about the backpack again, 'why couldn't you just pack plasters' 'well you would be grateful if one of them broke their leg'. Then he suggested we should just head back to the car.


S and I both crying. She started it, saying she wanted to stay longer, she was having fun, thought it sounded interesting so tried my hand at it. I told them I hadn't seen enough nature. 


Wow your voice really carries in the wilderness, if you scream loud enough it echoes for AGES.


Crying worked. Walking on.


Man, I am really tired, whose bright idea was it to keep walking? My legs hurt, my back hurts, my knees hurt, my back hurts, my knees hurt, oh wait I said that already didn't I? 


They are making us walk back to the car. S is crying, she says that it was too much of them to ask her to go on such a long walk when her leg is only just healing. Daddy DID point out that she was the one who wanted to walk further so I made sure I rubbed in the fact that this is all her fault. Mummy taken to humming to herself and saying how beautiful it is here, can she not hear I am distressed???


Daddy caved, S is now on his back as happy as a pig in.... she is pointing out all the butterflies in the trees, I can't see the butterflies in the trees, no one is lifting me up.


Yes! I'm on Mum's back! She is sweating, I'm not sure I have ever seen her sweat before, it’s funny. She doesn't seem to find it quite so amusing.


I need the loo


Still need the loo


Still need the loo


Mummy is holding my hands and getting me to squat in the bushes, this is so undignified, and how am I meant to pee with them all staring at me.


Still can't pee


So, we started walking again and Mummy told me off for wasting time, I wasn't wasting time and I still need a pee. 


I went for a pee, but I told Mummy I could do it myself and I did but then I lost my footing and I fell backwards and my bum landed in the nettles, bloody nettles. I'm all itchy now and Mum has had to carry me in a fireman's lift with my bare bum sticking out under my dress. It is actually quite refreshing, and I feel a lot happier about life in general now so I'm singing 'Wind the bobbin up' as loudly as I possibly can.


Back at the car. I think a fairly successful hike, Mum and Dad must think so too, they say they are going to stop at the supermarket for more wine, must be in celebration?