Diary Of a Threenager: Road Trip


Mummy has been referring to this thing called 'The Road Trip' all week. It is now, apparently, the night before the road trip and I'm beginning to wonder if it is worth all the bother. Mummy has been running around in a flap since Monday, washing loads, changing bed sheets and generally not playing with me at all. It better be the most wonderful thing ever or, quite frankly, I will have something to say about it. 



More flapping, although it's Daddy this time, Mummy seems all smug sitting on her suitcase and telling him that he really should have packed last night and then he wouldn't be rushing about like a headless chicken. S made the usual fuss about taking her travel-sick pill, getting it stuck in her throat and reckoning to gag on it. I wanted to take one too, but Mummy told me 'don't be silly' she will be the silly one if I vomit all over her.   


Well 'The Road Trip' seems disappointing so far. They loaded us all into the car, checking off some invisible list about passports and tickets and things and then Mummy started taking photos. We had to smile and shout 'Road Trip' really loudly. After that I waited for the fun to begin but Daddy just started the car and we drove off like we do every day, when I queried this Mummy told me to shh because they needed to concentrate. So, road trip basically means to sit in the car bored... I will remember this...


Ok so it actually means sit in the car for a really REALLY long time. S keeps asking if we are nearly there yet, she has a point, and Mummy and Daddy just laugh loudly, I really don't think it it's very funny. Did I miss a joke?  


We have now reached somewhere called 'The Tunnel' everyone seems very excited about this, but Daddy just took me for a wee and it really seemed the same as all the other boring service stations. He bought me some lunch but then we had to go back to the car again where he drove us to a long line of other cars and shut off the engine. Mummy still keeps talking about going into a tunnel but all I know is that I'm hot, uncomfortable and I'm not even allowed to sit in the front because 'we might move again in any second'. 

1.30 pm

Still in the line, still hot, going to scream. 


I'm screaming really loudly now, and they are totally completely ignoring me. 


We moved... a little bit... Mummy getting all excited again about going into a tunnel... then we stopped, and I still don't see any tunnels and I'm super-hot and cross. Mummy is fanning the dog... yes... the dog. They are deliberately ignoring the fact that I AM HOT and just giving the dog all the attention. I pointed this out to them and Mummy simply asked how would I feel if I was wearing a fur coat in this weather. Well what a bloody stupid question, why on earth would I want to wear a fur coat in this weather??? 

2.10 pm

So, we are inside a tunnel. Seriously Mummy has GOT to stop getting all excited about things. The tunnel she kept talking about is literally like a traffic jam inside a tube... we drove in... we stopped and now I am hot, sitting inside a tube, surrounded by other cars. At least I get to sit at the front now... And it is quite fun to beep the horn loudly. Daddy keeps shouting at me but it's worth seeing all the people in front jump.  

2.20 pm

Still in the tunnel and now it's moving and it's dark outside. S tried to climb over the seat to sit with me but because of her bionic leg she didn’t manage it and landed on me so I shouted at her. So, then Daddy shouted at her. Mummy just hid behind the dog (whilst fanning it) and told us to stop acting like English peasants. I told her that we are English peasants why would we act differently? I think she is trying to act like she belongs on the other side of the tunnel... 


We are now in France. Everyone has a new-found happiness. We just stopped at a service station and Mummy bought us sickly sugary sweets, she MUST be happy... She NEVER buys us sweets... if we ask for them she usually goes on about our teeth or brain or stomach or inflammation or something, so we just go to Daddy instead. I'm starting to enjoy this road trip.


The happiness didn't last... My sister was supposed take her next travel pill but said she didn't want it. I watched Mummy hide it in one of the sweets instead and then fed it to her. Of course, I felt the need to tell S this, mainly as I thought it would be an amusing way to upset my sister and wow did it work. She went on and on about it being a violation of her human rights and no means no and Mummy shouldn't have done that. Mummy DID apologise but then ruined it by saying it was a violation of HER human rights having to listen to us fight all the time. Daddy said maybe it was time for everyone to have a nap. I think he meant HE wanted a nap because we stopped at ANOTHER services and he was the only one to go to sleep. Mummy is walking me around now... it's quite good as services go... there is a lake! I am hot so might take a swim....


Apparently, that wasn't the thing to do.... 


Mummy has taken me into the shop for a snack to try and distract me from the lake, I tried to tell her I wouldn't have drowned but she went all red in the face and said something about needing a holiday to get over this one. Very confusing, I thought we were on holiday?  


I chose the most expensive snack in the shop, not really because I wanted it, just because I was mad at mummy for removing me from the lake. She asked me about 1574 times if I was REALLY going to eat it. I promised her I would, and, I intended to, but then we went outside to find a bench and a million wasps (or maybe just one or two) descended from nowhere so I had to do my wasp dance, sending the snack into the dirt and rendering it inedible. I had managed one bite, but Mummy frog marched me back to the car in a huff...  


Need a wee.... I realise we only just stopped but I didn't need it then...  


Well back in the car AGAIN. Did a wee but now I need a poo. I just told Daddy and he said 'You have got to be kidding' why would I joke about needing the loo? Apparently, it is 21km to the next services... I really do need to go so I'm just going to scream the whole 21km... it can't be that far?


Ahh that's better. I held it all the way, but I have just realised that telling them I need the loo gets me out of the car. I see a plan forming. 


I told them I need the loo again. Daddy said something very, very rude.


We stopped again. Of course, I didn’t need to go, not really sure why they thought I would need to go when I just went. Mum is all stroppy now. They just threw a sandwich at me... do they expect me to eat that?


I'm hungry  

I'm hungry

I'm hungry

I'm hungry

I'm hungry


Well they have filled me with croissants and put me in my pyjamas. I think they want me to go to sleep...


7 pm

Eye spy... I love it! The parentals don't seem so keen... what's not to love?!


Still playing... I think I'm winning.... 


I am winning... Mummy keeps hitting her forehead on the glass of the window... I think it's because she hates losing... 


It’s dark and S is sleeping. I thought it would be nice to sing her a lullaby so I put on my loudest singing voice and sang ' We are going on holiday'. Not sure what made Mummy so cross... 


Well I managed to sleep for a bit but seriously, have you tried sleeping in my car seat? So, I'm awake again and it's dark so I can't even see the view. It is so boring... Daddy has put that white noise thing on his phone that they used to use when I was a baby... ha-ha like THAT is going to work these days.


I just saw 7 piglets crossing the road. Apparently, we are nearly there, wherever 'there' is. I think they are taking me to a farm. Do they not know there are farms back in the Cotswolds, like hundreds of them... why the hell do I need to spend a whole day in a car just to go to a farm?!?! 

1.30 am

We are here!!!!! Mummy creeping around making up beds and using that quiet bedtime voice... saying its bedtime and we can explore in the morning... as IF! S and I are checking out all the bedrooms, I think I will have the biggest one for me... it has its own bathroom in it. Daddy just put his suitcase in it, but he is gravely mistaken... this is MY room... I love holidays...