Diary of a Threenager: Smear Test

Diary of a threenager: Smear Test

Mummy was rushing me to nursery yesterday. I say that like it’s unusual, it’s not, Mummy is always rushing me to finish my food, go for a wee, put my shoes on. What’s the rush lady??? Well, apparently yesterday’s rush was because she had to get to the Doctors. She kept saying ‘hurry up - I will be late for my appointment. I didn’t comment, but if I’m honest she has three whole hours alone while I’m at nursery, why does she book the appointment straight after drop-off?

When we got to nursery, I decided it was vital to tell all my teachers that Mummy had to go to the doctors that afternoon. Mummy bustled about hanging up my coat (because obviously I can’t do it myself) and had no idea that I had spread concern around the adults. As she went to leave my Key Worker asked her if everything was ok?

‘Yes, why?’ Mummy replied, confused.

‘Oh well, we heard you had to go to the doctors?’

‘Oh, ha-ha, no nothing serious, just a smear test.’

‘Oh, the joy, don’t you love it how they ask you about the weather while you stare at the ceiling?’

‘Oh yeah, my favourite thing to do on a sunny afternoon!’

Mummy kissed me goodbye then. I didn’t have any idea what a smear test was, but I made a mental note to ask Mummy how it went when I next saw her. You know, it’s very important to be empathetic towards the people close to you.

I had a lovely time at nursey, I got to pretend to be a darling for most of the afternoon. Then it began snowing, I could see huge white flakes falling from the sky during story time. Needless to say I have no idea what the story was about.

When Mummy arrived, I was so excited to see her I almost forgot to ask her how her test went. I wanted to tell her all about the fat snowflakes, then we went outside, and they were all settling on the grass and I slipped over and hurt my bum! We were about to go home when Mummy stopped to chat to a group of dads from nursery, that’s when I remembered…

‘Oh Mummy, how did you smear test go?’ I made sure I was very eloquent and practiced my enunciation so that everyone could hear me, it’s how adults have conversations you know. Well, I must be honest, I was a little disappointed with the reaction. Mummy went all red and started saying ‘shhhhhhh’ lots and all the men went red too and one started laughing slightly and clearing his throat??? Mummy took me by the arm and steered me off down the hill, almost making me fall on my bum again. I was quite confused, I had wanted her to be happy that I had remembered, I struggled with her reaction for a while. I mean, it was almost as though all the grown-ups were embarrassed? Is a smear test something to be embarrassed about? I simply had to ask. Mummy had stopped to chat to one of the old men who walks his dogs after school,

‘Mummy, what is a smear test?’ She went all red again, said goodbye to the old bloke and rushed off once more. Well I thought it was all very weird until we got home, and Mummy explained what a Smear Test was. OMG GROSS.

So, while I was at nursery being a darling, Mummy had to lie on this bed with her legs open and this nurse had to put these surgical instruments up her! I just can’t fathom such a thing… I asked Mummy if she punched the nurse after that. I would punch anyone if they did that to me. Do you know what she said?

‘No of course not! I thanked her!’ Thanked her, dear reader, thanked her!!!! I don’t get grown ups at all. But then Mummy explained that having the test can stop her getting a horrible illness called cervical cancer that can kill ladies. I don’t want Mummy to die, I really love her, so, I guess, if it stops her getting sick, then that’s the important thing, no matter how gross it is!


*During Cervical Cancer Prevention Week, a little reminder to attend your smear test! (perhaps you don’t mention it around your threenager though?)